mental shit

Depression is so weird, I hate it and love it.

I don’t like feeling sad but I love it. I don’t know how to fix the fact that I push down all my emotions and then one day they all come back up like a sudden sickness that I don’t have time to shove down with water. 

It always starts off with the numbness that I never really notice, I mean I notice it but i don’t acknowledge it. Then I start to become inactive and hate moving. I dread every second of my day and blame it on having to go to school but it’s much more than that. Then i’ll eat less than i normally do or maybe i’ll even being eating more, I stop sticking to my nonexistent habits, i stay up late and hate getting up, i dont have the energy to have a shower, i feel like maybe dying is easier, i try to do something i like to push down the shitty emotions that are shoving themselves up into the front of my mind forcefully. 

And now I’m writing this late at night when I’m meant to be fast asleep because I broke down crying about problems I have been locking away. But i don’t know how to not shove down my feelings, i mean i journal but not truly, it’s easier to ignore except for when times like tonight happen and ill just wake up tomorrow morning and forget any of this happened except I won’t because i’m angrily writing typing this down. 

At the base of it all I just want love, my never ending thirst for love like when you’re sick and water cant help your dry throat, so you drink and drink and drink until you feel sick from all the water, and it still feels dry. That’s how deep my thirst goes.

I just want to disappear but I want to disappear from me. It’s normally from life and other people but this time I want to run from myself. And I hate that I can’t, I have to be with me my whole life. And i can’t do anything no matter how hard i scratch at my skin i will always be here and that annoying fuck will never go away im trapped i can’t get rid of her. Maybe this is why i cant gall in love because im so fucked up that it knows im not ready for love. 

By, Zara